Where You Used To Be
by Normryl
Summary: Complete. The staff at Sacred Heart have to deal with a loss that affects everyone. Character death, but not a major character, well, none of the big 7 any way!
1. A Hole in the World

_**Where You Used To Be**_

**Summary**: The staff at Sacred Heart have to deal with a terrible loss that affects everyone in different ways.  
**A/N** This is set mid-season four. _Italics_ denotes flashback. Character deaths- not major but **Major angst!  
**To be able to write such a depressing story, I listened to Hallelujah by John Cale quite a lot, which was used on Scrubs in the episode 'My Old Lady'.  
I've asked before about a beta and never had one. I've had offers but the people never get back to me (I must make a fantastic first impression). So if anyone is interested, and actually interested, not just emailing me once and then vanishing, please get in contact with me.

_

* * *

__'There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept,  
__things we don't want to know but have to learn,  
and people we can't live without but have to let go.' _

* * *

A Hole In The World

JD rushed towards the room where he knew he'd be.

Turk was outside, leaning against the wall. He looked drained of energy. His face looked tired as his eyes locked with JD's. "Where is he?"

Turk moved away from the wall. "He's in with Carla."

"What happened?" JD asked.

Turk took a deep breath. "They were just too badly injured from the crash." JD could see a glistening in Turk's eyes.

"Turk, I need to know." JD said gently. He knew how hard this was for his friend, but he just needed to know what had happened.

"Jordan suffered massive head injuries as well as internal trauma. Chances are that, even if it had just been the head injuries she'd never have regained consciousness. Jack died on his way to the hospital."

"Oh, God." Was all JD could mutter. The full extent of what he'd been told hadn't sunk in yet.

Silence passed between the pair as they sat unmoving outside the room. Eventually, JD asked, "Is she in there? Jord..." He couldn't bring himself to say her name.

Turk nodded. "He hasn't even seen Jack yet."

"It'll kill him." JD said.

As they stood there, Turk thought back to earlier on that day.

_His community service had come up and Turk had took the role to work in an ambulance to get it over and done with. He'd still have another shift to do, but he'd decided to split it up a little. _

_They were called to a road accident which they got to within 5 minutes of getting the call. The car was hardly recognisable, the front smashed so far in. They went to check on the people inside and that's when Turk realised who was inside. Jordan's dark blonde hair had a little blood in it. She was unconscious. _

_He'd been so focused on her it wasn't until Danny, the guy he was on the shift with, mentioned a passenger that Turk realised she had Jack with her. _

_He was also unconscious as well. _

_A quick inspection showed that Jordan was trapped inside and they'd need a fire crew to cut her out. Jack was good to be moved and as soon as the next ambulance arrived to wait with Jordan, Turk and Danny got Jack into the ambulance and speed towards Sacred Heart. _

_They were only half way there when Jack stopped breathing. Turk called forward to Danny, who pulled over as they both worked to save the youngster's life. When, after 5 minutes they couldn't get him breathing again, Danny went back to driving. He told Turk to keep trying, that they might get lucky. Turk worked, knowing that as long as he tried then someone at the hospital might be able to do something. _

_When they eventually arrived, they moved as fast as possible getting the boy into a room. The doctors and nurses arrived, Danny passed on all the information, how long the child hadn't been breathing, how long they'd tried to resuscitate for. _

_The doctor tried for a while longer before they officially called it. _

_Turk knew that Jack had died while he'd been sat there with him in the back of the ambulance. _

Elliot walked up to JD and Turk. Her eyes were already filled with tears, which escaped the moment she saw the two of them. She embraced JD, the nearest too her as she started to cry.

* * *

Inside the room, Carla stood watching her friend. Tears ran down her face silently, as she looked at Jordan's still form. All the machines and wires had been removed. It was just the body that was left now.

Perry was sat on the bed next to his wife's battered body. One hand was rubbing her arm gently, the other was moving her hair, trying to make it neater, making her look alive again. The blood that was matted into it didn't allow it. However much he tried to gently coax the hair into a normal style, it just stayed the same.

He continued the motion nonetheless. After a few minutes he stopped and looked round in Carla direction, not making eye contact with her. "Where's my son?" he asked, voice flat.

She could see the tears on his face, he didn't care enough to try to hide his grief. It was all too much, too consuming.

"I'll find out for you." she said, leaving the room.

As soon as she stepped out and saw the faces of her three friends there, she almost started crying again. But she held it together, fighting back the emotion. Taking a deep, unsteady breath she asked, "Do any of you know where Jack is?"

"He was up in room 306." Turk said

"One of the interns wanted to move him down to the morgue, Kelso chewed the guy out big time." Elliot said, having witnessed the event.

The door behind Carla opened as Perry walked out. "Where?" was all he said.

"306." Carla said.

Perry stepped past her, never looking at any of the people there, and none of them could bare to look at him either. "No one goes in that room." Perry said as he walked away, vaguely pointing to the room he'd just left.

"What do we do?" Elliot asked.

"There's nothing we can do." JD said. "Just wait."

* * *

Up at room 306, a man stood over the small child's body. The man was the one who'd ordered this room to be set up for the child rather than the small ward where the doctors and nurses had fought to save his life. Their was no privacy there.  
He used his own handkerchief to wipe away the trickle of blood that had dried by Jack's ear.  
As he moved back, he noticed the figure stood at the door. He was a little surprised to see Perry here so soon.

Perry moved over to the bed, not saying a word to Bob Kelso, his eyes were focused on his son.

Bob remembered back to when Ben Sullivan had died, Jordan's brother and Perry's best friend. He remembered the way Perry completely denied the truth, he never even went to see the body.  
Bob knew he couldn't deny the truth this time. He could tell just by the defeated manner in which Perry walk into the room that there was no denial this time.

Bob moved away from the bed, but didn't leave.

* * *

Standing outside the room that Perry had just vacated, Carla looked at Turk. She could see much he needed someone right then. She knew it should be her.

"Elliot, can you go check on Dr. Cox for me?" she asked, wanting to know where he was.

"Yeah." Elliot said, walking off in the direction the older man had gone moments ago.

"JD, wait here for Dr Cox to come back. Make sure you go in with him, even if he yells and screams for you to get out, don't leave him alone."

JD nodded "What are you going to do?"

Carla held out her hand to Turk. "Come on."

* * *

"Baby, talk to me?" Carla said as they sat in an empty room.

Turk sat with his head down. This was one of the hardest days he'd ever had. He'd never had someone he'd known as well as Jordan die, let alone the fact that he'd seen Jack go too.

"I can't tell you how I'm feeling Carla, it's just... it's just so unfair."

"I know."

"I've never felt more useless as a doctor. I mean, I watched him die and I couldn't do anything. How can I ever face Dr Cox again after that."

"We'll get through this somehow." Carla promised as she moved closer to Turk, embracing him. He moved closer into her as the tears threatened to escape.

* * *

Perry didn't touch his son once. He stood and looked for a long time.

Bob stayed there the whole time. He saw Elliot come to the door and leave when she saw him in with Perry. He was grateful that his friends were watching out for him. Bob guessed that's why he was here. He knew that he'd need as many of this people as possible around him in the coming weeks.

Then without a word, Perry turned and left the room. Bob followed after him, closing the door of the room. Elliot had been standing not far from the room, and as soon as she saw Cox leave, she followed him again.

Elliot saw JD waiting outside the room where Jordan was. Perry walked straight in, JD following him in.

When she got to the door, it was closed. And yet again, she waited outside. Every time she was alone, the tears would threaten to fall. She couldn't help but let a few escape every now and then.

After a while, she noticed a presence with her. The Janitor was stood with her. "I heard what happened. I just didn't like to see you on your own so I thought I'd stand with you."

She nodded at the kind gesture.

* * *

JD watched as Perry moved round next to Jordan and sat on the bed next to her. He reached for her hand, moving it closer to him. JD saw a look of confusion on Perry's face as he looked at her arm. He suddenly let go of her hand and looked at Jordan's face. Reaching to touch her cheek gently, he carefully glided his fingers over her skin. JD watched Perry's head drop as he did.

"She's cold." he said. Whether it was to JD or just himself, the young doctor had no idea, but he didn't say or do anything. JD knew that this long after Jordan had died, rigor mortis would be setting in. Her body would be cold and the muscle would stiffen. He'd seen it many times, but it was different to look at when it was someone you knew.

Perry stayed sitting with her, not ready to let go. Not willing to give up the body and let the morgue take her and put her in a drawer.

JD despised the doctor in him that knew there was a patient who needed a heart transplant. His inner voice told him that Jordan hadn't suffered injuries to her chest and the heart would have been perfectly healthy as she was young. But he knew he could never ask.  
We would never ask.

-TBC-

A/N: What do you think, depressing enough? I've had this idea for a while and then last night, every thing just came to me. Sorry for the depressing nature of it guys, but I hope you enjoy it anyway. Well, as much as you can enjoy a story all about death.


	2. Falling In At Night

A/N: I can't recall when the whole living arangements of season four, but for the sake of this story, JD is still living with Carla and Turk. I also had a crappy writing day today with most of the chapter already done and only a little bit more I needed to complete and I was having a real hard time getting it done. Hopefully, it doesn't suck too much.

* * *

**Falling In At Night**

They'd taken him back to their place.

After Perry finally left Jordan's room and they moved the body to the morgue, he seemed to crack. It was if he'd lost the ability to do anything. Carla told Turk to get their car and move it to the steps so they didn't have as far to walk. He went ahead as Carla lead Perry by the arm through the corridors. No one said anything, most people looked away. They knew what had happened. There was nothing to say.

JD followed, walking on the other side of Perry. As they got close to the door, the car was visible as Turk had moved as close as he could to the stairs.

Carla got JD to go round the other side while she directed Perry into the other seat. She passed Perry's seatbelt across for JD to buckle him in, and then she went and sat next to Turk in the front passenger seat.

JD was a little anxious as to what the plan was, what they were going to do with Perry and was relieved when he realised they were heading home. He realised Turk and Carla must have already agreed to let Perry come home with them. There was no way he could go home. Besides being alone, the place was littered with reminders of all that he'd lost that day.

He had to swallow hard when he realised he was loosing his composure. He knew they'd take care of him. They had to. Because he had no one else.

* * *

"Dr. Reid, why are you still here?" Dr. Kelso walked up to the blond doctor. 

"I just wanted to help." she said. "There's nothing I can do to help Dr Cox by being there, so I thought I may as well cover his patients until things are a little more... sorted."

Dr. Kelso nodded his head slightly. "It's very good of you." Elliot heard sincerity in his voice. "I was going to go to the bar after work. I definitely need something strong after today. If you want to gather anyone else who's interested, along with yourself of course. I think we all need a break."

Elliot nodded. "I best get back to work." she said, walking towards the next patients room.

Dr. Kelso watched her leave. A thought occurring to him suddenly, he called to Elliot, stopping her before she got too far. "Do you know where they've taken Perry?"

"Back to their apartment." Elliot said "Why?"

"I'm just thinking, they may need to make a few changes. I need to take a quick trip out. If anyone asks here I am, tell them I'll be back shortly."

Elliot nodded as she watched the Chief of Medicine walk away.

* * *

Perry was sat numbly on the chair, a blanket draped over his shoulders which he'd not touched. 

"He can take my room tonight, I'll sleep on the sofa." JD said.

"Well he's not going to sleep, is he." Turk said, knowing that he himself wouldn't be able to sleep that night.

"Just leave him where he is for now." Carla said. She didn't want to move Perry around too much.

A knock at the door made the three of them jump a little. JD went and answered it, surprised to see Dr. Kelso standing there.

"Sir, what are you doing here?" JD asked, unaware he'd been so formal.

"I've come to do a collection." he said. He handed a piece of paper to JD which he read to himself. On it, a number of items were listed. JD nodded and passed it to Carla and Turk.

The list read: alcohol, sharp knives, all pills.

"Okay, I'll do our room, JD you do yours, Turk, do the kitchen. I'll go through the bathroom cupboard in a minute." The all broke apart, each picking up an empty bag to put whatever they found inside.

Kelso watched Perry while he waited, even though the other man was doing nothing. Neither of the bags from the bedroom had much in and the kitchen produced a few sharp knives and a few bottles of beer. Carla emptied all the medicine cabinet out of all pills and ointments and lotions. She made sure that there was nothing dangerous there. Although she didn't think that Perry looked suicidal at the minute, she knew in a few days, this would really hit him and they'd have to watch his every move.

They handed the bags to Kelso. "I'll keep these at my place until you need them back."

"Thanks." Carla said, appreciative that he was doing something to help Perry.

"Right, I best get back to it." Carla showed him the way out.

Closing the door behind him, Carla made her way into the kitchen and poured out a glass of water. She took it into the room where Perry sat and put it on the table next to him.

"Just in case you want a drink, sweetie." She said. She didn't expect him to want it, but felt she was doing what she could. "Lets get some sleep guys."

* * *

Perry vaguely realised that he was at Turk, Carla and JD's apartment. He heard them talking but he couldn't make out the words. It took too much effort to listen to what they were saying. He didn't care anyway. 

He also heard Bob Kelso for a while, but that didn't warrant looking round.

After a while, Carla placed a glass in front of him, and they all moved away, the noise all went and he was alone. The room was dark, there was a lamp on somewhere because he could still see the table in front of him.

He didn't know how long he sat there. Time had no meaning any more.

He realised he had to pee and he slowly got up. He knew where the bathroom was. He wasn't here often, but on occasion he'd been here he got a rough look at where everything was. He'd been here when Jordan and Jack were still alive. He pushed the thoughts away. He turned the light on and used the toilet, flushing afterwards. Jordan always made him flush because she could never be sure Jack wouldn't play with the toilet water. He closed his eyes at the thought. He tried to take a deep breath, but he felt too choked up to inhale that much. He moved away, catching sight of himself in the mirror. He looked as wrecked as he felt.

He switched the light back off and went into the lounge.

Picking up the blanket he wrapped it around his shoulders. Before he went to the chair he moved over to the lamp and switched it off. He carefully made his way back to the couch and laid down on it. And then he let the darkness of the night comfort him. He let the tears fall, and the sobs he couldn't hold back escaped him. He felt himself falling into despair, but he couldn't stop himself, even if he wanted to. And as he fell, he realised he had no reason not to let go.

* * *

Carla laid in bed, close to Turk. She'd heard the flush of the chain. 

Turk was dosing, not able to sleep fully, but exhausted enough that his body had to get some rest.

And as she listened for noise she heard him. She heard him cry.

She'd never heard him cry. She'd barely seen him cry. Sometimes he'd get emotional, but he always held it together. He was a man, that's what he thought he should do.

But this wasn't just crying. It was like the cry of a wounded animal. Her own tears threatened to spill again, so she forcefully closed her eyes, wishing sleep would come to her, hoping that JD couldn't hear the same sounds as she could.

* * *

When morning came, nothing had really changed. 

Carla, Turk and JD were still too awkward to say anything, and Perry stayed on the couch. The water that Carla had poured out for him remained where it was, untouched. She removed the glass, filled it with fresh water and put it back where it was. He'd need it sooner or later.

When midday came, Turk and JD left for work. Carla stayed home, someone needed to be with Perry. Elliot paid Carla a visit on her way home. She looked tired after a long shift.

She'd bought some food for Carla and had bought Perry some new clothes, seeing as he still had yesterday's on. They both knew that was the last thing he cared about.

As the next few days came and went, still nothing changed.

JD cleared his essentials out of his bedroom and into the front room, letting Perry have the privacy of the bedroom. They moved the TV in there for him, kept it on so he had something to look at. Carla had to coax him into drinking as he'd never attempted to do it himself. He only took a small amount, so she started doing it more often, worried that he'd become dehydrated. But she knew that even if she could keep the fluid intake up, he'd eventually end up in hospital as he'd still not eaten anything.

The guilt began to weigh her down as she was at a loss as to how to help her friend.

TBC.


	3. I Miss You Like Hell

A/N: This is the last chapter. I'm pretty pleased with how this turned out. I've tried to make the ending not too depressing and more hopeful. Reviews will be cared for and given a good home.

* * *

**I Miss You Like Hell**

Perry recalled talking to patients who'd lost someone close to them, and they'd say to him that nights were the hardest.

Going through this now, he didn't think it was true. It was all hard. Whether the sun was up or down didn't make the loss easier or harder.

He wasn't sure where the others were. Carla was usually the only one who came to see him and tried to talk. She would bring him in water as well, tell him that he had to drink. And he would take a sip, but he never felt thirsty. He couldn't bring himself to eat at all.

He was a least sleeping a little now, although his life when he wasn't asleep was so empty that it didn't matter much.

"Hey stud." Came an all too familiar voice. But it was the voice of the woman he'd spent the last three days mourning. He opened his eyes to see Jordan standing in the room, looking at him, a small smile on her face.

"Jordan?" He whispered, knowing it couldn't possibly be her.

"It's me." She replied.

Shaking his head a little as if that would make the image disappear, Perry was surprised to see her still there. "You're dead, so it can't be you. I must be hallucinating... or dreaming."

"Oh please, Perry, you're in so much denial! You spent everyday from Ben's death to his funeral talking to him, but _I'm_ not real."

"How do you know that?"

"I spoke to him. He's here. Not right now with me, but where I am when I'm not here."

"Hell?"

Jordan cocked her head to one side. "You don't ever change do you. He's with Jack while I'm here with you."

"Jack." Perry repeated, thinking of his son. "What does Ben think of him?"

"Well he thinks that he's missed out on Uncle Ben a little too much, but they're making up for lost time."

"I got it, I am dreaming. It's too normal to be a hallucination, so it must be a dream."

"Perry, you're not dreaming. I'm here. Just you and me. You're struggling."

"Oh I'm sorry Jordan, I'd like to see how you'd cope if your whole family just died." Perry said angrily.

Jordan moved and sat on the bed with Perry. "It's not your time yet, Per. There's still things you've got to do here. Important things."

"I don't want to be here on my own."

"Sweetie, you're not alone. I'll always be with you. I mean, you're going to meet other women in time and dammit if I won't be looking over your shoulder making sure she's good enough for you."

Perry smiled sadly. "That's not enough."

"Look around you. Your friends have taken you in. DJ's moved out of his room for you. They don't know what else to do right now, you're gonna have to help them."

"Look I was miserable before I got back with you. I don't want to be that person again."

"I swear you won't."

"I don't listen that much to dead people."

"Look, you're gonna listen to me, because I'm not going to watch you waste the rest of your life."

"Jordan-"

"No. You have to start listening to me. First thing you need to do- get a shower and change your clothes. And by tomorrow, God help you, you better have put some sort of nourishment in your mouth or you'll be in real trouble." Perry nodded his head a little. "Good. Now, I no you don't want to do this, but you have to sort out the funeral. You know I've already made all the arrangements. It's all back at our place in my top drawer. I want to be out of that morgue soon." She saw the look of grief come back fully to Perry's face. Sighing, Jordan closed her eyes for a moment. "Perry, you can do this, you're strong enough."

"It's just so hard." Jordan nodded. "I just wish I could have been there for you or Jack before you went. I didn't even get to say goodbye."

"You don't need to. We're not gone. This won't be like Ben, I'm never going to go away for good, I'll always be there. You might not always see me, sometimes you'll just know that it's me there. I won't ever leave you." Jordan leant forward and kissed Perry on the cheek. "Now, start to move on. One step at a time."

Perry nodded.

The door to the room opened and Perry looked round. Carla walked into the room a glass of water in her hand. He knew Jordan would be gone if he looked round, but her words stayed with him. Move on.

Carla smiled at him, he was actually paying attention to what was happening around him which was a good sign.

"Hey." Perry said quietly.

"I bought you a drink." She said, glad that he was talking. It wasn't that he'd flat out refused to speak to any one, but none of them had been sure what they should say.

"Thanks, but I was thinking that I might grab a shower."

"Oh, sure." Carla said. "Well, let me go get some towels and stuff for you and you can get washed up."

Perry untangled himself from the bedsheets and made his way out the bedroom. He noticed the apartment was quiet and empty. "Where's your roomies?"

"Working." Carla called back. He nodded in response to the comment. Carla handed Perry two towels. "Okay, everything you need is in there, help yourself.

"Thanks." He said as he walked towards the bathroom. He stopped just inside. "I didn't just mean for this. I mean... oh, it's too soon." He continued in, closing the door behind him.

* * *

The funeral was one week and two days after they both died. 

Jordan's mother, Wendy and Danni, her sister came for it. Perry hadn't spoke to either in a long time, but found them both to be comforting and supportive. And he tried to be the same with them as well.

He sat on the front row with them. Yet he had Carla on one side on him, and of course Turk next to her, and JD on his other side. A lot of people from the hospital had turned up.

He'd asked JD to make sure invited all the people that he thought would want to be there, and from the looks of it, they had all came. A lot of the board members had turned up as well. Perry thought about how many of them would have been at Quinn's funeral, and now that were at his daughters.

Jordan and Jack were buried in the same plot, mother and son together in death, as they were together in life. And their plot was next to Ben's.

Perry hadn't stayed long after the funeral. He really didn't feel like he had anything to say to anyone about losing his family. He went back with Carla, Turk and JD.

They all changed out of the sombre black outfits as soon as they returned home.

"What are you thinking?" JD asked Perry as the older man finished changing, hanging the suit up on hangers, even though he wanted to burn the damn thing.

"I was thinking about going home."

"Really?"

"Can't stay here forever."

"Are you sure it's not too soon?"

"No. But I managed to watch them being buried today so I think I might be ready for the apartment."

"If you want to stay longer, you can."

"Carla and Turk need their space. You need your room back. I'm gonna have to go back eventually."

"It doesn't have to be now. Just give it a few days and just let everything settle down."

"JD, I appreciate everything you've done, but don't try and sway me on this. I know what I'm doing."

"Okay, fine. " JD watched Perry as he went to leave the room so JD could change, but he stopped Perry before he got to the door. "You're probably say no, but I have to ask. If you don't want to be there alone, you know, while you adjust, I can stay."

Perry went to say no, but something stopped him. He was used to pushing the kid away, but he remembered what Jordan had said, he wasn't alone. If he kept pushing though, he may be. Deciding he wouldn't make a rash decision, Perry answered. "I'll consider it."

* * *

JD drove Perry back to his apartment. 

He'd only been here once since the accident and when he'd come out, he looked pale and sickly. They hardly spoke on the ride over and Perry didn't invite JD up with him, but he went anyway. It was at the door that Perry faltered slightly. Once he was in, he knew that was it. He put the key in the lock and turned it, pushing the door gently.

It looked normal. But then, it would. There was nothing strange about the apartment itself.

"I'm just gonna, look around." He said to JD.

JD wondered into the room, closing the door behind him, ready to wait for Perry.

The first room he went to was the bedroom. And she was there. In all her glory, she looked as beautiful as the day he'd met her.

"I said you weren't alone, didn't I?" She said smiling at him. "Now don't say anything, otherwise JD will think you've gone nuts."

Perry closed the bedroom door and walked further into the room. Whispering so JD wouldn't hear him, he went immediately against Jordan's wishes to not speak to her. "I miss you."

"Honey, I'm still here. You're speaking to me, right?"

"But you can't stay here forever can you. You're gonna move on."

"Eventually." Jordan said.

"I wanted to tell you something. I never told you enough how much I love you. And Jack, I love him too."

"I know." Jordan said.

"Let me." Perry interrupted. He knew what he needed to tell her. "I wish I'd been there for you when you went. Wish I could have held your hand and kissed you goodbye. I wish that I'd known that we'd get separated so soon, because I'd never have taken for granted that you'd always be there for me. But because I love you, I don't want you to stay. I think, I'd like to feel your presence in a room from time to time, and know that you're looking over me, but I'll never be able to carry on if I can see you all the time. So I need you to do something for me. I need you to move on. Go take care of our son."

Jordan smiled. "I'm so proud of you." She moved forward, close to him and like she had done many times before, she kissed him on the lips.  
He closed his eyes as he felt her touch. When he opened them, she was gone.

But he knew he wasn't alone.

* * *

JD listened carefully outside the door. He wouldn't usually eavesdrop, but he heard Perry's voice. He knew that he was probably talking to himself, a perfectly normal thing to do after all he'd been through. 

But as he listened at the door, he could have sworn he heard Jordan's voice. He shivered involuntarily, as a whispered voice sounded next to his ear. "Bye DJ." He smiled then. He knew Perry was being watched over.

The End

* * *

**_'Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.'_**


End file.
